Hi everybody.  I am just sitting here doing nothing.  Yes, I should be studying for exams but of course I am not.  Poor Ben has a lot of things going through his head.  He always does.  I’d love to……

I appreciate those who are open with their sexuality because people like me hide behind the simple idea that, hey, I could be with either sex if I “really” wanted to. So in my mind, I call myself bisexual. I have found that a lot of crappy things happen in the gay community. I have run into a throng of crappy people and it’s so hard to associate myself with that. Am I truly bisexual? Probably not. I haven’t had sex-sex with a woman but… again, I say well, maybe someday. I’ve been intimate, but that’s when I’m drunk (and when I’m drunk, I’m straight… yeah).

Life is hard because I am the only male in my family. A lot of pressure is put on me to get married, have children and such. I went as far as to take a picture with my classmate and sent it to my family telling them she was my girlfriend. They bought it and I know the first thought in my mother’s head was relief.

I keep myself out of clubs, bars and such. My relationship is moldy because my partner (who isn’t as out as I thought he was) and I don’t do anything as a couple. No one really know about us and it’s depressing. My social life is limited due to the fact that I unintentionally label people in my head, for example, I can’t hang out with him, he’s so “girly”.

And that’s mostly why I have a weblog and website, so I can escape this prison that I choose to put myself into. Perhaps you are right, if I can be out and happy, life would be happier for me. Who knows.

I hope that someday I can get over myself. And it’s a continuous process. One that I have to do a lot of work on to truly be a happy human being. I feel like I’m writing a book so I will end this right here. Anyway, it’s nice to hear you again and to hear your thoughts. You’re one of the good ones.

Back in Indonesia, many years a go. I met one man who is Gay, he said that he is bisex. Funny thing is i met him in toilet, I just ignored him. I met him outside and started conversation. I finally found out that he was married with 4 kids. He said that he is bisex. But i am not sure about that because he make love to his wife imagine that she was a man. He said that he had no choice in his life. I feel very sad for him. Talk to him many times after that.

John, in Indonesia we have a very creative film about Gay, it was not all about Gay story, but kind of mix , A story about people’s life in big city. The movie call Arisan. What surprise me is this movie Support Gay people.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=aVBvcHyySn8

This is a piece of the movie talking about being out as a gay.

What I have discovered is that there are a lot of married gay people for that matter and I find it ‘unethical’ to expose them for what they are. I understand that it is not so much hypocrisy but their lack of courage and fear of rejection which makes it less ‘desirable’ to be out. Middle America, Middle Australia or Middle Singapore/Malaysia for that matter is still quite insular. Persuasion rather than confrontation is key.

I agree that activism is about choices and because I suppose I live my gay life as an observer, I am selfish to a point – partaking in things that are less out there because out there is not my cup of tea. Maybe its called getting older.

And this potato plays tennis and softball