Okay peeps.

Today is a new day. I’ve cleared off some shit. Cried off some crap. And now I’m off to a new me! Well, kinda.

First, my sister is improving more. Her treatments are working. She has to start on medications for her chronic strand of illness, but she’s expected to recover slowly and her medications are suppose to prevent her from relapsing that often and that quickly. She’s expecting to leave the hospital today.

Here’s the new me. Or the old me. I am officially reaching my goal weight of 175 lbs. Actually two days ago, but I was too busy being a drama queen.

I’ll be in Bruce’s arms tonight, everything is okay in his arms.

Thanks for all the love you sent me. I appreciate it lots. Especially to C.

I had a nice long conversation with two friends this afternoon.

We were watching pictures of some amazing shots a friend of mine took in Cambodia, Myanmar, Thailand and so forth. With some nice ethereal Eastern music in the background, I suddenly realize that I haven’t allowed myself to calm down and be silent. I haven’t had a chance to reflect. To find my focus. To find my balance. To find peace.

I am emotionally confused. I understand how I got into it. My sister. Parting with a good friend. I know it is okay to let myself be vulnerable sometimes. But my failure is that I get the attention from being vulnerable and sensitive. I am subconsciously enjoying the attention and get stuck in the state where I’m constantly emotional.

In the meantime, I have decided to refocus my purpose. I want to find my peace again. And I know I will. I think when that comes, I’d have more good things to offer.

First, I want to thank each and everyone of you who reached out to me. You offered your love and attention after reading some of my “semi-psychotic” ramblings. Especially Nick Thomas. Nick is such a caring and loving soul. When I called him a “beautiful soul”, I truly mean that.

Before I started podcasting, I’d come here to write about things. Sometimes emotional. Sometimes fun. Podcasting has made me open up a side of myself that I didn’t even think I’d dare explore – sharing my failures and weaknesses.

When I came back from Malaysia, I did fall into a couple of months of depression. I am perhaps still suffering a bit from that. There are things that I’m willing to share with you, but there are things that I’d rather keep private. Without seeing the entire picture, and just listening and reading about my emotional ramblings can be a bit misleading.

I don’t want to cause any alarming concern about my emotional well-being. I am doing okay. I am merely expressing what I was feeling at the moment. Which most cases turned out to be just a big drama in my head anyway.

Before Ongline becomes a podcast, it was my emotional graffiti.

That said, I want to thank every single one of you who cares.

I will be just fine.

—–

Happy Independence Day.

My sister is improving even more the last time I spoke to her. Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts.

I miss my hubby who’s out of town.

I miss my best pal.

By myself.
The two that matter are not here.
One is physically away. The other is emotionally away.
Well, I still have me, myself, and the rest of my fat. 🙂

Emotional attachment can be risky.

Peace out.

Is there such a thing?

I find my blog to be my place to vent my “deep thoughts” when no one is around to share.

Twitter makes me jot down the idea.

Blog lets me mold the idea.

Is there such a thing as too much good?

Last few weeks I experienced some.

Too much good makes the bad worse by contrast.

Romantic me, emotional-being me, tend to choose a lot of good and suffer a lot of LACK of good.

My obsessive behavior makes striking a balance in things difficult.

I always go too far before stopping. It reminds me of my food binge. Emotional bingeing.

Love. Friends. Closeness. Fun. Enjoyment. Work.

They all can be a bitch sometimes.

(Not bitter. Just reflecting)

I’m thankful for my sister’s improvements. I’m thankful for Bruce.

Can I be happy when I know others are suffering?

Am I a selfish bitch if I am?

Or am I just trying to have a bigger heart than I really do?

Where do you draw the line of selfishness and selflessness?

Sigh.