I’ve been emotionally confused, tired, and stressed. You all know that by now.

My depression a couple of months ago gave me the chance to see how helpless I can sometimes be inside a depression funnel. But when I’m out of it, I forgot that I used to be able to find peace in myself. I just let my emotional state in my depression carry on over to today. Mind you, I really know how impossible it was to control anything when I’m having my depression. I know that I’m out of it now, but the attention I got from my depression is what I’m still craving.

Yesterday, I went to a garden. It was after a big downpour. The garden was beautiful, peaceful, and calm. My complete opposite, emotionally. I had a chance to reflect and be silent.

I was afraid of silence. Silence in friendships. Sort of like the little cough, or clearing of your throat, sighing noise you make in a completely silent elevator with others. I was ruffling on things to create noise. To cut the silence. In this case, creating an emotional rumbling for myself and others.

Ironically, it is the very silence that I needed to find my zen. The lost zen that I used to be so proud of.

I found it yesterday in this garden. I am in the process of picking it back up, and restoring it. I still see dirt all over it. But I’m determined to clean it up, and enjoying it again, and hopefully being able to share it again.

I hope you will understand. When I’m empty inside, I can’t possibly offer anything to others. Even to those I desperately want to help and care for.

I hope I will again.

Being silly is a part of me. I’m sure most of you can identify my silliness from my podcast.

This is a picture of me in my pretend office at IKEA last year.

“Hello! I can’t hear you even with my BIG phone!”

Mouse as pillow

Originally uploaded by johnong.

You all know Chai. He’s our boy.

A couple of months ago, while I was editing a show on the computer while chatting with my mom on the computer, he sneaked up. As usual, he likes to snuggle up close to me.

As he’s falling asleep, he slowly and sneakily pushed my hand off the mouse, and took over.

I guess being a cat, he really knows which part of the computer is his favorite.